Conflict Resolution: What role do you play?

I want what I want when I want it! 

Have you ever heard this saying?  It aptly describes the impulsive nature of addiction -drinking, using drugs, overeating, compulsive gambling or shopping - regardless of the consequences. We've all seen this same impulsiveness when children want something. If they don't get it, they have a temper tantrum. How parents respond to the temper tantrum teaches the child what they can and cannot get away with, and ultimately shapes the child's behavior.

This same pattern occurs in adult relationships. When two people have incompatible desires, an emotional collision can occur. Each person plays a role in what happens - whether the conflict is resolved or escalates. More often than not, each person becomes entrenched in wanting what they want and not budging, which leads to power struggles, retaliation, and emotional distance.

Have you ever considered the role you play in contributing to conflict?  It's been said that all behavior has a 'payoff' - even if the payoff is negative.  For example, the role of victim gets a payoff of being taken care of; the role of martyr gets a payoff of recognition for all the sacrificing they do; the role of the bad guy gets a payoff of negative attention. Other roles may be the sick one, the competent (or incompetent) one, the doormat, the rescuer. There are many roles we can play to get what we want.  What role do you play? Has it become a habitual pattern or an instinctual impulse that you fall into because it works to your benefit? 

Once we identify the role we play, we can then look at effective ways to respond differently.  It may not be comfortable to come to this awareness, and we may not want to give up the payoff.  Herein lies the decision to either accept responsibility for one's own behavior or continue to blame the other person and expect them to change.  It can be a tough decision, especially if we don't believe we're the one at fault.

On Tuesday, November 6th, the Relationship Dynamics class will address how to prevent arguments from escalating.  We will go into more depth about ways to interrupt the negative pattern of behavior by addressing the various roles people play in perpetuating conflict. 

Change the role you play that contributes to conflict, and conflict may be diffused!