Conflict Resolution: Who will go first?

"You go first. No, you go first."

Have you ever overheard kids say this when they are about to do something unfamiliar?  They are curious about exploring and yet are tentative about who will make the first move when the outcome is uncertain. 

Resolving conflict is a lot like that. Someone needs to make the first move, especially within our families.

This is how it sounds when we justify the other person go first when it comes to addressing a conflict:

"It's not fair for me to make the first move, they hurt me!"

"They were wrong, not me."

"I'm always the one taking initiative. I'm not doing it this time!  It's THEIR turn!"

Oftentimes we don't overlook transgressions out of our desire of wanting to get even. If we've been hurt, we believe we are justified to retaliate, whether verbally by lashing out or through silence. We assume a position of righteous indignation or 'innocent victim' and won't budge. The reality is the bitterness ends up hurting us. Research has shown that harboring bitterness and resentment is more harmful to our health than obesity, heart disease, and smoking. 

The spiritual aspect of the holiday season is about generosity, love, and kindness.  What if you extended kindness to the one who has hurt you instead of maintaining the current stand off?  Kindness is the power that can soften hearts and shift the focus from blame to reconciliation.  It doesn't mean we shouldn't take measures to prevent ourselves from being hurt again. What it does mean is that we release the desire to get even and live free in our hearts, without expectation of the other person reciprocating our efforts.

Ponder these three questions:

• What is the emotional cost if I continue to focus on how someone else has wronged me and wait for them to make the first move?
• How can I reach out, and instead of focusing on the outcome, focus on who I want to be as a person?
• The home is the laboratory of life. The walls within our homes are where we learn to be kind, how to resolve conflict, in general how to relate to others. What are you modeling to your children when it comes to taking the first move?

At the next Relationship Dynamics class, we will address these questions and consider ways to change the pattern of conflict resolution, especially within our families.

Take the initiative to extend kindness, and you will have a more peaceful holiday season.