Simply Intentional...Listening

By Beth Norman

Have you ever wondered why listening is sometimes called an art? Over the years, I have come to realize that listening is so much more than keeping quiet when someone else is speaking. Real listening comes from the heart, simply because it requires love.

As a parent, it can be challenging at times to listen because we are usually so busy talking, teaching, disciplining, instructing, complimenting, correcting, affirming, coaching, and mediating. It's like we're programmed and on auto-pilot. Being mindful of this will help us to include the importance of listening. But how we choose to listen is so crucial.

Having four kids, ranging in ages from 9 to 18, you can bet that there are words flying around my home. Mostly they are off the cuff and without appointment, each demanding to be heard. I've learned that with my younger children, the best time to listen is at their bedtime. Have you ever noticed that your child can really open up at this time? My older kids tend to want to talk when they come home and it's past my bedtime! Did I happen to mention there is a sacrifice? Just being aware of these different times has helped me in connecting with my kids.

In another aspect of listening, I have found that being mentally prepared for criticism from my kids helps me tremendously. Rather than choosing to be hurt or defensive, I choose to make the most out of criticism by allowing it to teach me what my child needs the most at that particular time. The criticism may or may not be true, but it can serve as a window into my child's soul! How exciting is that? I have been amazed on what has been uncovered when I didn't get defensive. This discovery has guided me in taking steps to improve my relationship with my kids.

Here are just a few ideas that have helped me to become more of an intentional, creative listener:

1. Decide ahead of time to look beyond the initial criticism that may come your way. Instead, treat it as a great opportunity to listen to what your son or daughter may be teaching you about themselves.
2. Recognize the importance of listening to your child's behavior. We call it their emotional love tank. Knowing whether your child's tank is empty or full is simple. For younger kids, you'll know by their behavior if it's on "e"mpty. For the most part it's whining and misbehaving. Simply keep it filled with affirmations, eye contact and hugs and you will see a change! Over the years, my husband and I would often communicate to one another that one of the kids were on "e". This meant that we both got to work on filling their tank.
3. Spend intentional time with each child. Whether it be weekly, biweekly or monthly, go out with your child, name the day or night after them and have fun. Notice that the first word in listening is "list". Try to come away with a list of things you learned about your child when you were listening.
4. Here's an idea if you're really brave. Create report cards on you! Have your child grade you on things like, do I listen well, do we spend enough time together, do I yell too much, etc.. My kids have been thrilled and more than happy to assist me on this!

By intentionally listening to your kids, you will get to know them better and your kids will notice that you are striving to be a better parent!