The Missing Piece of Resolving Conflict

By Bonnie Artman

When I was growing up our family would put together jigsaw puzzles.  During cold winters, a card table was set up in our living room with pieces of a puzzle scattered across it.  Little by little over the course of a few months, the pieces were put in place to create a picture that was once obscure.  On occasion, a piece of the puzzle would be missing that prevented the picture from being complete. 

When conflict occurs in any relationship, there is often a missing piece that prevents resolution.  A typical disagreement has elements of hurtful words, blame, defensiveness, sarcasm and withdrawal...but when this one piece is introduced into that disagreement it can diffuse the most difficult misunderstandings and restore harmony.  What is that missing piece? ...Emotional Validation. 

Emotional validation conveys a sense of being heard.  Whatever the issue at hand, it isn't nearly as important as how the individuals involved feel about it.  Often times the feelings stem back to something from the past that was unresolved for that person and the current situation is somehow reminiscent of that hurt.  When that "something" can be expressed and validated, it can bring a wave of relief and closeness between the people involved. Even if the other person doesn't agree about the surface issue, to validate feelings is integral in putting together the whole picture of what was bothersome about the conflict, just like our family jigsaw puzzles. 

Here are some ideas of what emotional validation looks like... 

• Listen for the feelings behind what the person is saying about the issue, i.e. "it sounds like you are sad, angry, disappointed, embarrassed" (whatever the feelings you, as the Listener are hearing).
• Repeat the words the person said (even if you don't agree), i.e. "you are angry that I was late in picking you up and you got caught in the rain."
• Respond with compassion and empathy in your tone, instead of impatience and criticism.
• Appreciate that deep down, despite whatever anger or defensiveness is on the surface, the Speaker wants to know they have worth and value to you.
• Diffuse the conflict by saying "I love you, you are important to me - I want to work through this with you and understand your hurt."
• Avoid using the word "but".

When in conflict, validate the other person's feelings.  You will then have the most significant piece that has been missing from resolving your disagreements and building trust with those closest to you.