Simply Intentional - Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

By Beth Norman

Remember the words from the commercial, "Calgon, Take Me Away?"  As a child, I could never quite understand why the woman in the commercial would want to get away, never mind take a bath!  Now, being a mom of four, I absolutely get it!  For busy moms that's about all we can sometimes fit in - if at all ...a bath!  Or, how about the new generation of moms, who have made the ever so popular, "time-out", a household word.  These moms not only see the effectiveness of time-outs for their children, but also see the beauty in a time-out for themselves!  When I have imposed a time-out for myself, my children have looked at me just the same way I looked when the Calgon commercial came on.

With all the demands of just maintaining a household and the responsibility of the emotional well-being of our children, it's hard to imagine that we also need to deal with all the monkey wrenches that get tossed into the mix.  Challenges like having your kids clean their room, doing homework, speaking respectfully, obeying curfews, and oh yeah .....sibling rivalry.  Even the smallest of these things, when not done, can profoundly effect my daily life, where havoc can easily rule.  So, what can be done?  For starters, it's important to remember that a fair amount of these issues do go along with the territory.  We are also told that someday, we will miss it all.  So, I try to keep this little morsel of wisdom in the forefront of my mind (and between my sometimes gritted teeth) as I inevitably experience some very crazy days. 

Sibling rivalry, however, is one behavior that has the potential to emotionally drain you and linger on all day long.  Although a "time-out" and a bath may temporarily make you feel better, it's important to remember that they are reactionary in nature.

So in an effort to be more proactive, here are five simple ideas that have worked very well for my family and me.

• No Names.  Experience great joy by simply not allowing name-calling in your home.  Every day I am grateful that this is not an option for my kids.  Your children will eventually have to learn that this behavior is unacceptable in the real world, so why not give yourself a gift and your children by avoiding this very bad habit and not let it take root.
• Bathroom Break.  I would often tell the kids who were fighting to go into the bathroom, close the door and work it out between them.  They needed to stay in there until they were able to figure it out fairly and peacefully.  (They never stayed in there very long).  This not only helped me to get out of the habit of playing "judge and jury", but also helped my children get along better and become very good negotiators.  It works!
• Play Together.  "Say what?"  That's what I would often hear when my kids were told that the consequence for fighting was that they had to play a quick game together.  Whether they chose a game of cards, checkers, lego's, trampoline, board game, biking or just walking the dog, was up to them.  They needed to show me that they could get along before they were free to move about with their day.
• Plan a Family Game Night.  This will require some intentional time on your part, but fun just the same.  What's unique about this idea is that whatever game is chosen, you make it parents against kids.  Here, you can purposely strategize who you would like to see get along better thereby placing them on the same team.  It's really quite refreshing to see kids, who typically fight a lot - to all of a sudden be screaming for the other's success to win!  Have fun watching your kids root for one another!
• Create a "Peacemaker" Jar.  I have an oversized, clear jar with a white lid that sits on my kitchen countertop.  The jar is filled with chocolate kisses.  My kids are told that when they are caught being a peacemaker, they will be sent to the peacemaker jar.  This is the only time that a piece of candy may be taken out.  You will see this wonderful tool begin to work and it is quite the celebration when you see your child think differently and bite their tongue to avoid an argument with their brother or sister.  When I see this happen, I make a BIG deal out of it with praises and instructions to head to the peacemaker jar!  Eventually, you will begin to hear stories on how they were the best peacemaker at school, recess, or at a friend's house.  This is one idea that just keeps on working!

These ideas have had a positive influence in the lives of my children.  I love when ideas can work and be as simple and intentional as these.  Along the way, I have realized that great memories were being created in the process!