Mending Broken Trust

By Bonnie Artman

I often hear people say, "I don't know if I can trust again - after all that has happened. I am so hurt - how can I ever trust him/her again?" The fear of allowing someone close after trust has been broken can be as scary as skydiving is to a person who is afraid of heights. The thought of taking that leap - out of the plane into the unknown, trusting the parachute will inflate, trusting to land safely...trusting the process is a huge leap. 

Trust is one of the key elements of solid relationships - within marriages, between parent and child, coworkers, friends. When it is broken it is difficult, though not impossible, to be restored.

In my years of counseling, I have seen people create miracles, for themselves and their loved ones, by restoring trust. Though it can be a long, arduous process - when all parties involved are willing to take responsibility for the part they have played, when they show genuine remorse and make behavioral changes - amazing things can happen! Things like a new found depth and richness in those relationships. And as you get to know one another as people - you will find an inner peace, acceptance, and value. 

Below is a list of the characteristics I have seen in relationships where trust has been restored. Though certainly not exhaustive, these are guidelines of getting started and things to look for when considering trusting again:

• A genuine remorse about what has happened - followed by behavioral changes that match your words.
• Willingness to discuss and see things from one another's perspective, even if you don't agree.
• Ask questions to clarify and understand - not to interrogate or back the other into a corner.
• Convey through words, behavior, and priorities that the other person is valuable to you.
• Being patient as both parties sort through the myriad of feelings.
• Look at past hurts from family of origin and life experiences that this event is triggering.
• Empathy - showing you are attempting to understand the depth of one another's hurt.
• Perseverance and understanding when individuals may be at different places of healing.
• Consistently making changes, with sincerity, even if the other doesn't acknowledge your efforts.
• Asking for forgiveness.
• Granting forgiveness.
• Though the mistrust may be remembered, choosing not to bring it up as punishment or to "make them pay."

Below is the testimony of Vivian and Nick. A couple I have had the honor of working with. They have embraced restoring trust in their marriage with fervor and determination. As they will admit, it wasn't easy nor will they ever forget what happened. They have simply chosen to trust again. I have admired their courage to persevere when it would have been easy to give up on the marriage. Instead, they chose to learn about themselves and grow...we can all learn something from their example.