As a Family Therapist, I have the privilege every day of having a front row seat watching families and couples talk through misunderstandings and heal hurts, meeting Jane was no exception. Jane is 85 years old and she began therapy with the intention of working through unresolved conflict with her adult children before she dies. As most of you know, my office is on the second floor with only steps to get there…there is no elevator. Jane never let the steps stop her or the uncomfortableness of addressing feelings associated with her part of the rift between some of her children.

Over the course of several months Jane wrote letters to each of her children expressing what they mean to her as well as appreciations about their strengths. Some of her children have been able to attend sessions that allowed her to tell them directly and others who were not able to attend received their letter in the mail. The letters have been an entry for Jane and her adult children to talk about things from the past, to hear one another’s perspectives of events from long ago that were never discussed. It has been an opportunity to understand the cracks in the family foundation that led to unrest, hurt, and anger.

When asked how her children responded to the letters, she responded “stunned!” “They are not used to me talking about feelings. When they were growing up I didn’t know how to express myself. Now they wonder if I am an imposter, they wonder who I am! Yet I can tell by the tone in their voices, they appreciate the letters”. She is now talking with one of her children that she was estranged from. 

Jane acknowledges the awkwardness of stepping into new feelings; she said “there is some kind of dignity in holding a grudge. Some of the feuds have been going on for twenty years, and I can’t remember why they started. I guess sometimes we take pride in holding a grudge. Before I knew where I stood, I just thought of difficult people as son of a guns! Now I am floating. I know it’s been the right thing to do, yet it is unfamiliar to not hold onto ways I have been wronged.”

We can all learn much from Jane. One, that even at 85 years young, it is never too late to try to mend relationships. Second, we all want to know that we matter, especially from our parents. For her children to receive Jane’s letters in her handwriting will be something tangible they can always refer back to. Third, the power of the words “I love you” coupled with an acknowledgement of ways we have been hurt or hurt others gives a freedom, that money can’t buy. Last, she reminds us that despite choices made in the past, true dignity is in releasing grudges.  

 

As we approach this Holiday season, would you consider giving the gift of reconciliation? To let loved ones know what they mean to you? Would you consider the legacy you want to leave when it comes to resolving conflict and let this be the year you release the strains, rifts, and cut-offs from your family?

No matter how old we are, it is never too late to initiate reconciliation