| Changing Patterns Newsletter
Making Conscious Choices |
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| September 2007 |
Volume III |
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Welcome to the Changing Patterns newsletter! We are here to provide information and resources to help you create lasting, meaningful change in your life and improve relationships with those most important to you.
In this issue, we'll continue with the Power of Words and the impact of giving encouragement instead of praise. We also discuss living more mindfully by letting go of situations we can't control. Lastly, we introduce the educational classes that are being offered this fall to enhance your relationship skills.
Bonnie
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| Power of Words - Part II
Words of Affirmation
There we were, standing on the streets of Chicago on a chilly Sunday morning, waiting for our friend Holly. She was running the Chicago Marathon and we were there to cheer her on. Finally we saw her. "Keep going, you can do it, you're on your way!" we yelled. We moved on to the next checkpoint in the course, straining to spot her in the sea of runners and encouraging her to persevere toward the fulfillment of her dream.
Words of encouragement inspire us - they affirm that who we are is important, not what we do. Our tendency may be to give words of praise. Praise and encouragement are often used interchangeably, but they are different.
Praise
- To express warm approbation of, commendation for, or admiration for.
- To extol or exalt; worship.
Encourage
- To inspire with hope, courage or confidence; hearten.
- To give support to; foster.
- To stimulate; spur.
The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004
Words of praise focus more on a person's accomplishments and whether the person achieved a certain outcome, rather than recognizing their effort and strengths as an individual. One of the main differences between praise and encouragement is that praise often comes paired with a judgment or evaluation, such as "best" or "first." Whether Holly completed the marathon wasn't important to us; it was her effort we were applauding. Sadly we often withhold words of encouragement until a person achieves a goal. The person may learn that in order to be recognized, they have to reach a goal, rather than being appreciated for who they are. Well-meaning parents or spouses may rationalize withholding encouragement with the thought, "I don't want them to think "good enough" is acceptable." In reality, we as people are more likely to make wise, responsible choices when we receive words of affirmation along the way, even if we don't achieve a desired goal or outcome.
Change the pattern. Offer words of encouragement, rather than words of praise. Too much praise can create pressure to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. Encouragement provides a healthy dose of recognition for a person's efforts and progress. By putting verbal, behavioral and situational encouragement into practice, you can provide a person with the internal motivation to persevere.
Encourage with your words and people will be inspired to do their best for WHO they are not for WHAT they do! |
 Mindfulness: Letting Go
I was sitting at my computer early one Friday morning, poised to make some important entries, when I heard some ominous clicking sounds coming from the hard drive. Some updates for one of my programs had just been completed, and the screen instructed me to reboot.
I rebooted. Not only did the clicking continue, I wasn't able to log back on. I tried again - nothing. To make a long story short, my hard drive was history, along with most of my data! Fortunately, the most important data was backed up, but I would still need to re-create some files.
One of the practices of mindfulness is letting go: releasing whatever one tends to hold onto - be it a person, a mindset, an opinion, a thing, a desire, or even computer files. We can say we "let go" of what we've been clinging to; it's another thing entirely to truly accept the situation as it is and not dwell on the misfortune.
I'll admit my mind kept drifting for a few days between letting go and returning to thoughts of the data I'd lost. The following Monday, I took the hard drive to a computer shop, thinking optimistically that even if the hard drive had to be replaced, the data could somehow be retrieved. Once I learned that it could not, something shifted inside of me. I made a conscious decision to redirect my anxious thoughts to what I could do. Once I did this, I actually felt free and accepted that I didn't need the data I had been clinging to. In other words, I let go.
Make a conscious effort to let go of something you've been holding onto and you may free yourself from thoughts that have been needlessly weighing you down.
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Parenting Class
Back by popular demand!
Systemic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) offers parents a realistic and practical approach to meet the challenges of raising children today. It will help you learn effective and enjoyable ways to relate to your children and the principles can be applied to any relationship. STEP participants work together in discussion groups addressing common concerns and learning specific skills to equip your child, teen, or young adult with relationship-building skills to be successful in life.
Learn skills that will enhance your family relationships:
10/9/07 - How to understand your behavior as well as your child's
10/16/07 - How to listen and talk with your child
10/23/07 - Discipline that makes sense and how to choose your approach
10/30/07 - How to foster a more responsible, self-reliant attitude among children
"The STEP Parenting Class at Changing Patterns taught me what my children really wanted when they misbehaved. I also learned many tools to use to take action, instead of reacting to their behavior. It has made a wonderful difference in my family"!
Pattie
"STEP has been instrumental in helping me deal with my adult children relationships, as well as dealing with all adult relationships in general. In fact, the tools and strategies I learned in STEP now help me in dealing with relationships of every age group or type, including young, old, family, friend, neighbor, co-worker, etc. When a problem exists, I am now able to use reflective listening. I am also able to determine who "owns" the problem and use these tools to build more cooperative relationships. STEP has allowed me to feel good about myself by giving me the correct tools to use in life situations".
Cindy
Relationship Dynamics
Held First Tuesday of Each month from 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm at 150 Houston Street, Ste 300, Batavia, IL 60510
Have you ever thought "I wish I could have handled that differently?"
Come to the Relationship Dynamics Class beginning monthly on October 2nd to learn the subtleties of how relationships can be most successful. Not only will your relationships improve, you will also gain a greater understanding of yourself and improve your self confidence and assertiveness!
Learn skills that will benefit all your relationships:
10/2/07 - What do you need to hear in order to accept an apology and let hurts go?
Recommended Reading: The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman.
11/6/07 - Managing Anger: Preventing arguments from escalating
12/4/07 - Handling the Holidays: How to deal with your family of origin around the Christmas tree
Registration is required for both the Parenting and Relationship Dynamics classes. Please call Bonnie at 630-406-0075 to register, class fees are $35/person or $60 per couple.
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