Conflict Resolution:  What role do you play?

I want what I want when I want it! 

Have you ever heard this saying?  It aptly describes the impulsive nature of addiction -drinking, using drugs, overeating, compulsive gambling or shopping - regardless of the consequences. We've all seen this same impulsiveness when children want something. If they don't get it, they have a temper tantrum. How parents respond to the temper tantrum teaches the child what they can and cannot get away with, and ultimately shapes the child's behavior.

This same pattern occurs in adult relationships. When two people have incompatible desires, an emotional collision can occur. Each person plays a role in what happens - whether the conflict is resolved or escalates. More often than not, each person becomes entrenched in wanting what they want and not budging, which leads to power struggles, retaliation, and emotional distance.

Have you ever considered the role you play in contributing to conflict?  It's been said that all behavior has a 'payoff' - even if the payoff is negative.  For example, the role of victim gets a payoff of being taken care of; the role of martyr gets a payoff of recognition for all the sacrificing they do; the role of the bad guy gets a payoff of negative attention. Other roles may be the sick one, the competent (or incompetent) one, the doormat, the rescuer. There are many roles we can play to get what we want.  What role do you play? Has it become a habitual pattern or an instinctual impulse that you fall into because it works to your benefit? 

Once we identify the role we play, we can then look at effective ways to respond differently.  It may not be comfortable to come to this awareness, and we may not want to give up the payoff.  Herein lies the decision to either accept responsibility for one's own behavior or continue to blame the other person and expect them to change.  It can be a tough decision, especially if we don't believe we're the one at fault.

On Tuesday, November 6^th, the Relationship Dynamics class will address how to prevent arguments from escalating.  We will go into more depth about ways to interrupt the negative pattern of behavior by addressing the various roles people play in perpetuating conflict. 

Change the role you play that contributes to conflict, and conflict may be diffused!

Mindfulness in Practice:  Patience

In the above article we talked about impulsiveness: when we react to situations based on established patterns of thoughts or feelings.  For example, when we blurt out what we are thinking without censoring our thoughts and say things we later regret. This article focuses on patience: acting (not reacting) to current situations with a sense of wisdom that recognizes it is not necessary to have the last word or give advice that wasn't asked for in the first place. Patience is that elusive character trait that is ideal in theory and yet oh so difficult to practice! Like my Grandfather, who cultivated the soil year after year in anticipation of the next growing season, we can train our minds to cultivate patience in preparation for situations yet to come.

The cultivator was a tool used by my grandfather each spring to remove weeds that had started to take over, giving the crops a much better opportunity to grow and be fruitful.

When we practice mindfulness, we cultivate the opportunity to grow and be more fruitful. When faced with frustrations, instead of returning to the well-worn path of impatience or impulsiveness, we can redirect our minds, back to the present moment, and allow things to unfold at their own pace.  By doing this, we are cultivating the practice of taking each moment as it comes and allowing things to emerge in their own time. 

I witnessed patience in my grandfather through the art of farming. He had to patiently plant the crops, and then patiently wait for the crops to mature. Oftentimes, patience was also required in waiting for the weather to cooperate long enough to get in the fields to plant or harvest.  Now I am sure he didn't know he was being mindful, yet he gave me a positive example of what it means to be patient.

The art of mindfulness is developing the patience to accept a situation for what it is, rather than focusing on how you think it should be. What are areas do you need patience in? Do you need to give yourself permission to grieve a loss, or perhaps persevere through a hardship? Whatever you are feeling, is what you are feeling. Being mindfully patient means you do not force yourself to be where you are not ready to be; just as the corn and soybeans cannot be forced to grow. 

Cultivate patience and you may very well develop a calmer disposition.