November 2007 Newsletter

Changing Patterns Newsletter

Making Conscious Choices

November 2007

Volume V

In This Issue

Conflict Resolution - Who will go first?

Mindfulness: Non-striving

Quick Links

Relationship Dynamics

As the autumn colors have changed and we enter a new season, take time to reflect on the positive personal changes you have made this year and celebrate things you are learning about yourself!

In this issue we address the power of kindness as we take the initiative to resolve conflict within our families and the paradox of doing this in a "non-striving" mindful manner. Sound confusing? Read the articles!

At the next Relationship Dynamics class, offered on Tuesday, December 4^th, we will address ways to make this holiday season meaningful when there are strained family relationships or if there has been a loss in your family this year. Attending the class could make a difference in how you handle this holiday season.

Bonnie

Conflict Resolution: Who will go first?

"You go first. No, you go first."

Have you ever overheard kids say this when they are about to do something unfamiliar? They are curious about exploring and yet are tentative about who will make the first move when the outcome is uncertain.

Resolving conflict is a lot like that. Someone needs to make the first move, especially within our families.

This is how it sounds when we justify the other person go first when it comes to addressing a conflict:

"It's not fair for me to make the first move, they hurt me!"

"They were wrong, not me."

"I'm always the one taking initiative. I'm not doing it this time! It's THEIR turn!"

Oftentimes we don't overlook transgressions out of our desire of wanting to get even. If we've been hurt, we believe we are justified to retaliate, whether verbally by lashing out or through silence. We assume a position of righteous indignation or 'innocent victim' and won't budge. The reality is the bitterness ends up hurting us. Research has shown that harboring bitterness and resentment is more harmful to our health than obesity, heart disease, and smoking.

The spiritual aspect of the holiday season is about generosity, love, and kindness. What if you extended kindness to the one who has hurt you instead of maintaining the current stand off? Kindness is the power that can soften hearts and shift the focus from blame to reconciliation. It doesn't mean we shouldn't take measures to prevent ourselves from being hurt again. What it does mean is that we release the desire to get even and live free in our hearts, without expectation of the other person reciprocating our efforts.

Ponder these three questions:

What is the emotional cost if I continue to focus on how someone else has wronged me and wait for them to make the first move?
How can I reach out, and instead of focusing on the outcome, focus on who I want to be as a person?
The home is the laboratory of life. The walls within our homes are where we learn to be kind, how to resolve conflict, in general how to relate to others. What are you modeling to your children when it comes to taking the first move?

At the next Relationship Dynamics class, we will address these questions and consider ways to change the pattern of conflict resolution, especially within our families.

Take the initiative to extend kindness, and you will have a more peaceful holiday season.

Mindfulness: Non-striving

In a society that is goal-oriented and outcome-driven, it may seem paradoxical to be non-striving. Although setting goals can motivate us to the next level, they can also impose expectations that get in the way of experiencing and accepting the reality of a situation.

In the mindfulness sense, non-striving means no matter how painful, uncomfortable, or frightening a situation may be, we embrace the moment for what it is and allow ourselves to experience it. What does non-striving look like if we want to resolve conflict with another? It means when we address hurts and misunderstandings, we don't focus on a particular outcome, i.e. the other person agreeing with our position, acknowledging they were wrong, or changing in any way. Non-striving means just accepting what is happening as it is happening.

We approach a situation with the mindset of wanting to understand the other person's perspective and the reality they may not be willing to talk about the conflict.

When we accept a situation for what it is, change, growth and healing can come about.

Relationship Dynamics Class

Have you ever dreaded the holiday season and seeing family that you don't have anything in common with, yet felt obligated to visit? Or perhaps, there's been a falling out with a family member in the past year and you haven't spoken since; when you see them around a decorated table, will it feel awkward?

The Relationship Dynamics class is an opportunity to learn the subtleties of relationships and how to make your own relationships more successful - especially with your family.

During the December class, we will explore common relational patterns of conflict from a holiday classic movie and learn practical tools to change the pattern of superficial, awkward, or just plain uncomfortable holiday celebrations to those of meaning.

• 12/4/07 - Handling the Holidays: How to deal with your family of origin around the Christmas tree

Held first Tuesday of each month from 6:00 pm - 7:30 p.m.

150 Houston Street, Suite 300, Batavia, IL 60510

Registration is required for the Relationship Dynamics classes. Please call Bonnie at 630-406-0075 by 11/30/07 to register. Class fees are $35/person or $60 per couple.

Things I Learned at Changing Patterns

"Now 50 years old and 27 years of marriage later, my husband and I agreed on one thing that we were both lacking the skills needed to function as a thriving, happy couple responsible for raising our three children to be equally responsible and independent individuals.

For the survival of our family, it was vital that we "break the cycle" of ineffective skills we brought into our marriage and begin again with new tools.

At Changing Patterns, we are integrating family management skills for effective change. We are filling our family tool kit with skills that have reshaped our family dynamics. As a result, we have a much happier and thriving household through the help of Changing Patterns.

Change is possible!"

Marilyn

News:

On Tuesday November 27^th at 7:30 p.m., Bonnie will be speaking at the Divorce-Care Group held at Community Christian Church in Naperville. Bonnie will address the Five Languages of Apology and developing a more forgiving lifestyle. All are welcome to attend. Even if you are not in a divorce situation, the presentation offers practical tools of gaining an understanding of what it means to give and receive a sincere apology.

Quote of the Month	I Accept you as you are I Believe you are valuable I Care when you are hurt I Desire what is best for you I Erase all offenses The ABC's of Love by Chuck Swindoll Sincerely, Bonnie Artman Changing Patterns, PC