The Dance of Power Struggles

My family loves old westerns. In fact, John Wayne movies dominate our VCR/DVD collection. A typical scene in these movies shows two cowboys at a standoff on opposite ends of a dirt street outside of a saloon, complete with tumbleweeds and horse troughs. The good citizens of the town have disappeared from the street and are peering out windows to see which cowboy is going to have the quickest draw. 

Similarly, many households have verbal standoffs between parents. The rooms they are standing in are empty as children scatter to avoid the tension. You can be sure they are listening from their bedroom doors as parents shoot hurtful words at one another. A verbal stand-off may not seem as physically damaging as a gunshot wound, though the emotional damage to all involved can be just as devastating. Even silence can be a standoff - who can outlast the other? 

Power struggles. In relationships, they come in many forms - withholding affection, blame, manipulation, criticism, shame, sarcasm and silence are just some examples. When a person shoots off harsh words, they temporarily feel they have a sense of power. It gives them superiority, control and a sense that they matter. 

What do we gain by remaining in this negative cycle, other than more of the same? Why don't we talk about our hurt and our differences, and open up in order to understand one another? We are an educated society, and there is a plethora of self-help books available to us. With all this knowledge, what keeps us from doing what we intellectually know we need to do? 

There are many answers to this question, and for the purpose of this article we will limit it to probably one of the biggest factors - fear. 

Fear of:

• Being vulnerable - if I keep up this facade, I don't let others see my self-doubt and hurt.
• Being rejected - if I tell you my insecurities, will I still matter to you?
• The unknown - if I take a risk to be open, how will that change the relationship?
• Loss of control - if I open up to you, how will you use the information? Will it be used against me in the future?

Do you relate to any of the above fears?  How do you tend to show your fear on the surface, when deep down inside you feel insecure - withholding affection, blaming, manipulating, criticizing, shaming, sarcasm or silence? 

Awareness is the first step to changing any pattern. The next time you find yourself in a power struggle, firing verbal bullets or withdrawing in silence, go to your loved one and acknowledge the tension. Let them know you feel distant from them and want to regain closeness. You may be surprised at their openness and how easy it is for both of you to lay down your verbal weapons.