| Changing Patterns Newsletter
Making Conscious
Choices | |
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When I started the "Making Conscious Choices"
newsletter, my intent was to write articles that would spark
"seeds of possibility" within you to create meaningful
moments, conversations, and memories with others in your
life.
During a recent meeting with a trusted colleague, it
struck me I am not offering enough. What more do you
need? I am being told that what you need are specific,
'do-able' ideas to create those rich, "teachable" moments with
our kids. Easier said than done, right?
So I set about to pondering how to fit a square peg in a
round hole.... and then Beth came to mind!
Beth Norman is a hard-working mother (a redundant term if
there ever was one!) of four who has done a phenomenal job of
parenting. She knows each of her children's unique
qualities - she 'gets' how each of her kids
works. Based on understanding, she is able to connect
with them so they feel valued and understood.
Beth's parenting is heartwarming, especially when so
many families can be detached and
disintegrating. Beth and her husband recently celebrated
their 20th wedding anniversary with a special dinner with
their kids entitled "A Still in Love Party".
Whether or not you're a parent, you'll benefit from
reading Beth's stories of how she has intentionally created
meaningful moments for her family. I am honored that she
agreed to share her tried and true stories for the "Making
Conscious Choices" newsletter. I believe her articles
will spark "seeds of possibility" for you in creating richer
moments with your children and
family.
Bonnie
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The Art of Listening
By Bonnie
Artman
"Don't put words in my
mouth, that's not what I said!"
"You're not listening to
me!"
Any of the above sound
familiar? My guess is that you have either said or heard
something similar in an argument with a loved one. When
tension is high, you just want to be heard. However, the
other person is also focused on getting their point across...
miscommunication flies back and forth, no one is doing any
listening, and the conversation goes south.
Remember playing the game
"telephone" as a child? One of your friends whispers in
another child's ear the message ("Sandy has a crush on
Tyler!") and by the time the message gets to the last person
in the game, it is a completely different message ("Sandy
punched Tyler in the face!"). We've been bad listeners
since childhood.
Here's a personal example of how my family and I have a
tendency to hear what we want to hear instead of listening to
what is being said...
Several years ago, my
father was diagnosed with cancer. It was Fall
and Dad was scheduled for surgery. But he wanted to
postpone his surgery until after the crops were in.
(Having been raised on a farm, one of dad's loves was to pick
field corn for harvesting.) He became very defensive
when we, as his family, questioned waiting when his life was
at stake.
The key part of this story
is that it wasn't even his corn! He wanted to
help his brother and his cousin harvest on their farms, which
he had often done in the past. What upset our
family was not only that he wanted to postpone the surgery,
but the corn in question wasn't even his
responsibility!
After many upsetting
conversations throughout the Fall (that went nowhere) Dad
finally agreed to the surgery in December. A few days
before the procedure, he talked about why he prolonged it
for so long. Yes, some of it was about his love for
driving the tractor and harvesting corn, but more of it was
really about his fear. What we as a family missed months
earlier was what our father wasn't saying. Had we known how to listen beyond his words, we
may have been more patient and understanding of his
postponement of the surgery.
Often the most heartfelt,
meaningful things we want to convey are in what we don't say -
a look, a tear, a tone, arms folded, backs turned...learn to
pay attention to nonverbal cues and you'll hear what's most
important.
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Simply
Intentional...Listening
By Beth
Norman
Have
you ever wondered why listening is sometimes called an
art? Over the years, I have come to realize that
listening is so much more than keeping quiet when someone else
is speaking. Real listening comes from the heart, simply
because it requires love.
As a
parent, it can be challenging at times to listen because
we are usually so busy talking, teaching, disciplining,
instructing, complimenting, correcting, affirming, coaching,
and mediating. It's like we're programmed and on
auto-pilot. Being mindful of this will help us to
include the importance of listening. But how
we choose to listen is so
crucial.
Having four kids, ranging in ages from 9 to 18,
you can bet that there are words flying around my home.
Mostly they are off the cuff and without appointment, each
demanding to be heard. I've learned that with my younger
children, the best time to listen is at their
bedtime. Have you ever noticed that your child can
really open up at this time? My older kids tend to want
to talk when they come home and it's past my
bedtime! Did I happen to mention there is a
sacrifice? Just being aware of these different times has
helped me in connecting with my kids.
In
another aspect of listening, I have found that being mentally
prepared for criticism from my kids helps me
tremendously. Rather than choosing to be hurt or
defensive, I choose to make the most out of criticism
by allowing it to teach me what my child needs the most at
that particular time. The criticism may or may not be
true, but it can serve as a window into my child's soul!
How exciting is that? I have been amazed on what has
been uncovered when I didn't get defensive. This
discovery has guided me in taking steps to improve my
relationship with my kids.
Here
are just a few ideas that have helped me to become more of an
intentional, creative listener:
- Decide ahead of time to look beyond the
initial criticism that may come your way. Instead,
treat it as a great opportunity to listen to what your son
or daughter may be teaching you about themselves.
- Recognize the importance of listening to your
child's behavior. We call it their emotional love
tank. Knowing whether your child's tank is empty or
full is simple. For younger kids, you'll know by their
behavior if it's on "e"mpty. For the most part it's
whining and misbehaving. Simply keep it filled with
affirmations, eye contact and hugs and you will see a
change! Over the years, my husband and I would often
communicate to one another that one of the kids were on
"e". This meant that we both got to work on filling
their tank.
- Spend intentional time with each child.
Whether it be weekly, biweekly or monthly, go out with your
child, name the day or night after them and have fun.
Notice that the first word in listening is "list". Try
to come away with a list of things you learned about your
child when you were listening.
- Here's an idea if you're really brave.
Create report cards on you! Have your child grade you
on things like, do I listen well, do we spend enough time
together, do I yell too much, etc.. My kids have been
thrilled and more than happy to assist me on
this!
By
intentionally listening to your kids, you will get to know
them better and your kids will notice that you are striving to
be a better parent! |
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Things I learned at Changing
Patterns
"The men's group is so much more than group
therapy. For me, it is a place to get perspectives from
other men that come from different social standards and family
settings. It also allowed me to build my confidence and
self-esteem with the small group size and safe environment for
me to open up. I would recommend the men's group to any
man who is ready and willing to address issues that have been
bottled up inside and causing problems in your life. I
hope to see you at the group."
Bob
"Changing
Patterns Women's Group has empowered my entire being. When I first
considered attending the group, Bonnie told me that I would
only get out of group what I put into it. About three months
into group, I was ready to drop out and run. I thought group was
too emotionally stressful and I couldn't do it. Instead of running, I
stayed and found out why I was feeling so emotionally stressed
and scared. I
realized I needed the group as much as they needed me,
especially, as Bonnie would say, "to work on my own
opportunities for growth". With the group's love,
devotion, and trust, Bonnie inquiring into the source of my
worrisome feelings, and most importantly, my very own
persistence to understand and ask all the "whys" without
criticism, I was able to find the inner peace with not only
myself, but with the family members I allowed to rule my
emotions for over 30 years. I take Bonnie and
every group member with me on my daily journeys. Their voices, wisdom,
and experience, mixed with my own true awareness, have created
in me an emotionally aware and strong woman. They have touched my
soul in a way no words could ever express. To Bonnie and the
group, thank you".
Natasha
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Relationship Dynamics
Class:
What would change in
YOUR WORLD if people saw you as an
extraordinary listener? Might it have a positive effect
on your relationships both personally and
professionally?
At our next relationship
dynamics class, you can expect to begin skill building in the
art of listening.
- Do you know what your
personal filters of interpretation are?
- Do you know how to validate a
speaker's feelings when you're the listener?
- Do you know how to
acknowledge the speaker without judgment or giving your
opinion?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008 ~ 6:00 p.m. - 7:30
p.m.
Batavia Public
Library (10 S. Batavia Ave., Batavia, IL
60510)
$35/Person or
$60/Couple
Limited seating. Reserve
your seat by calling Changing Patterns, PC at
630-406-0075.
Reservations accepted through
Friday, July 25, 2008. Hurry and call
now! |
| News
Bonnie will be speaking
for the Tricity Unemployment Group on Monday, August 11, 2008
at 6 p.m. Her topic is "How are you wired?...Knowing
your strengths & limitations to create job
satisfaction". Check out the TUG website at http://www.tricityug.org.
Bonnie will be speaking for Celtic
Connections on September 13th & 14th for the
Reignite. Rejuvenate. Reinvent... "U"
Retreat. Check out Celtic Connections
website at http://www.celticconnect.com.
Looking for a
speaker? Bonnie speaks to groups who want to
enhance family relationships and live with purpose and
meaning. Her presentations offer practical tools to
create harmonious family relationships and cover topics such
as conflict resolution, restoring marital friendship and
living without regrets. If you are looking for someone
to speak at an event, a presentation can be tailor-made for
you. Bonnie can be reached by phone at 630-406-0075 or
by e-mail at changingpatterns@yahoo.com.
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