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| Changing Patterns Newsletter
Making Conscious Choices |
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The Changing Patterns Newsletter, formerly a monthly or quarterly newsletter, includes topical, enlightening and informational articles about various aspects of relationships.
I'm so pleased to announce that I am now transitioning the newsletters to a blog, which can be updated as often as I like - no more waiting around for the next version! This means that I will no longer be sending the newsletter via email.
You will be able to visit the blog or subscribe to it directly through your favorite RSS reader to receive the latest articles and information automatically. More information coming soon!
Bonnie
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The Missing Piece of Resolving Conflict
By Bonnie Artman
When I was growing up our family would put together jigsaw puzzles. During cold winters, a card table was set up in our living room with pieces of a puzzle scattered across it. Little by little over the course of a few months, the pieces were put in place to create a picture that was once obscure. On occasion, a piece of the puzzle would be missing that prevented the picture from being complete.
When conflict occurs in any relationship, there is often a missing piece that prevents resolution. A typical disagreement has elements of hurtful words, blame, defensiveness, sarcasm and withdrawal...but when this one piece is introduced into that disagreement it can diffuse the most difficult misunderstandings and restore harmony. What is that missing piece? ...Emotional Validation.
Emotional validation conveys a sense of being heard. Whatever the issue at hand, it isn't nearly as important as how the individuals involved feel about it. Often times the feelings stem back to something from the past that was unresolved for that person and the current situation is somehow reminiscent of that hurt. When that "something" can be expressed and validated, it can bring a wave of relief and closeness between the people involved. Even if the other person doesn't agree about the surface issue, to validate feelings is integral in putting together the whole picture of what was bothersome about the conflict, just like our family jigsaw puzzles.
Here are some ideas of what emotional validation looks like...
- Listen for the feelings behind what the person is saying about the issue, i.e. "it sounds like you are sad, angry, disappointed, embarrassed" (whatever the feelings you, as the Listener are hearing).
- Repeat the words the person said (even if you don't agree), i.e. "you are angry that I was late in picking you up and you got caught in the rain."
- Respond with compassion and empathy in your tone, instead of impatience and criticism.
- Appreciate that deep down, despite whatever anger or defensiveness is on the surface, the Speaker wants to know they have worth and value to you.
- Diffuse the conflict by saying "I love you, you are important to me - I want to work through this with you and understand your hurt."
- Avoid using the word "but".
When in conflict, validate the other person's feelings. You will then have the most significant piece that has been missing from resolving your disagreements and building trust with those closest to you. |
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Simply Intentional - Dealing with Sibling Rivalry
By Beth Norman
Remember the words from the commercial, "Calgon, Take Me Away?" As a child, I could never quite understand why the woman in the commercial would want to get away, never mind take a bath! Now, being a mom of four, I absolutely get it! For busy moms that's about all we can sometimes fit in - if at all ...a bath! Or, how about the new generation of moms, who have made the ever so popular, "time-out", a household word. These moms not only see the effectiveness of time-outs for their children, but also see the beauty in a time-out for themselves! When I have imposed a time-out for myself, my children have looked at me just the same way I looked when the Calgon commercial came on.
With all the demands of just maintaining a household and the responsibility of the emotional well-being of our children, it's hard to imagine that we also need to deal with all the monkey wrenches that get tossed into the mix. Challenges like having your kids clean their room, doing homework, speaking respectfully, obeying curfews, and oh yeah .....sibling rivalry. Even the smallest of these things, when not done, can profoundly effect my daily life, where havoc can easily rule. So, what can be done? For starters, it's important to remember that a fair amount of these issues do go along with the territory. We are also told that someday, we will miss it all. So, I try to keep this little morsel of wisdom in the forefront of my mind (and between my sometimes gritted teeth) as I inevitably experience some very crazy days.
Sibling rivalry, however, is one behavior that has the potential to emotionally drain you and linger on all day long. Although a "time-out" and a bath may temporarily make you feel better, it's important to remember that they are reactionary in nature.
So in an effort to be more proactive, here are five simple ideas that have worked very well for my family and me.
- No Names. Experience great joy by simply not allowing name-calling in your home. Every day I am grateful that this is not an option for my kids. Your children will eventually have to learn that this behavior is unacceptable in the real world, so why not give yourself a gift and your children by avoiding this very bad habit and not let it take root.
- Bathroom Break. I would often tell the kids who were fighting to go into the bathroom, close the door and work it out between them. They needed to stay in there until they were able to figure it out fairly and peacefully. (They never stayed in there very long). This not only helped me to get out of the habit of playing "judge and jury", but also helped my children get along better and become very good negotiators. It works!
- Play Together. "Say what?" That's what I would often hear when my kids were told that the consequence for fighting was that they had to play a quick game together. Whether they chose a game of cards, checkers, lego's, trampoline, board game, biking or just walking the dog, was up to them. They needed to show me that they could get along before they were free to move about with their day.
- Plan a Family Game Night. This will require some intentional time on your part, but fun just the same. What's unique about this idea is that whatever game is chosen, you make it parents against kids. Here, you can purposely strategize who you would like to see get along better thereby placing them on the same team. It's really quite refreshing to see kids, who typically fight a lot - to all of a sudden be screaming for the other's success to win! Have fun watching your kids root for one another!
- Create a "Peacemaker" Jar. I have an oversized, clear jar with a white lid that sits on my kitchen countertop. The jar is filled with chocolate kisses. My kids are told that when they are caught being a peacemaker, they will be sent to the peacemaker jar. This is the only time that a piece of candy may be taken out. You will see this wonderful tool begin to work and it is quite the celebration when you see your child think differently and bite their tongue to avoid an argument with their brother or sister. When I see this happen, I make a BIG deal out of it with praises and instructions to head to the peacemaker jar! Eventually, you will begin to hear stories on how they were the best peacemaker at school, recess, or at a friend's house. This is one idea that just keeps on working!
These ideas have had a positive influence in the lives of my children. I love when ideas can work and be as simple and intentional as these. Along the way, I have realized that great memories were being created in the process! |
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Things I learned from Changing Patterns...
"I am struck by the realization that had I been given these tools and taught how to use them, my first marriage may have turned out completely differently. We all do the best we can with what we have at any given time, these listening techniques along with the "how-to" are so valuable. No one taught or suggested that I take it to this extreme - to really listen behind the words and try to uncover and empathize with what is under the layers, and not to take it personally! Had I been given this level of coaching, I just can't imagine how things might have been different in my previous marriage."
Holly
(attendee at the Art of Listening Workshop, July 2008) |
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Relationship Dynamics Class:
Creative Parenting Strategies
How would your home become more harmonious if there were less stress, strain, and meltdowns between you and your kids? Would you like some practical and fun ways to connect as a parent that you can use immediately?
At the next Relationship Dynamics Class, you can expect to learn how to:
- Avoid power struggles
- Help your kids solve their problems
- Eliminate sibling rivalry
- Raise responsible children
Tuesday, October 28, 2008 ~ 6:00 p.m. - 7:30 p.m. 150 Houston Street, Ste. 306, Batavia, IL 60510
$35/Person or $60/Couple
Christie Clarke - teacher, life coach, facilitator, and founder of Out-a-Box Parenting will be the Presenter for this workshop. Christie will feature the parenting philosophy of Love and Logic Institute from Denver, CO. Known as "The Nanny of Elgin", you will walk away inspired by Christie's enthusiasm and practical tools to enhance your parenting.
Limited seating. Reserve your seat by calling Bonnie Artman at 630-406-0075. Reservations accepted through Friday, October 24, 2008. Hurry and call now!
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News:
Bonnie will be speaking for the Tricity Unemployment Group on Wednesday, November 12, 2008 at 6:00 p.m. at the St. Charles Library. Her topic is "Unemployment: How couples can grow together during times of uncertainty." Check out the TUG website at http://www.tricityug.org.
Bonnie has joined Speaker University sponsored by the National Speaker's Association - Illinois Chapter. Speaker University is an intensive educational program geared towards grooming speakers to meet the requirements to become members of the National Speaker's Association.
Looking for a speaker? Bonnie speaks to groups who want to enhance relationships and live with purpose and meaning. Her presentations offer practical tools to create harmonious family relationships and cover topics such as conflict resolution, the art of listening and living without regrets. If you are looking for someone to speak at an event, a presentation can be tailor-made for you. Bonnie can be reached by phone at 630-406-0075 or by e-mail at changingpatterns@yahoo.com. | |
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| Quote of the Month |
"There are people who, instead of listening to what is being said to them, are already listening to what they are going to say themselves." |
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Albert Guinon (1863-1923) |
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