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| Changing Patterns Newsletter
Making Conscious Choices |
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Trust...as defined by Webster's dictionary is "firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing: confident belief; faith". It is something that is earned over time through consistent behavior of doing what you say you'll do, being honest, up front; who you are in one setting is the same in another.
What do you do when the trust you have in another is broken? How do you risk being vulnerable again when the pain is so raw? Do you keep that person in your life?
In this month's newsletter we address the topic of Trust. Whether you are working through a mistrust in a relationship or looking for ways to build trust with your kids, you will be challenged to consider what trust means to you.
Bonnie |
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Mending Broken Trust
I often hear people say, "I don't know if I can trust again - after all that has happened. I am so hurt - how can I ever trust him/her again?" The fear of allowing someone close after trust has been broken can be as scary as skydiving is to a person who is afraid of heights. The thought of taking that leap - out of the plane into the unknown, trusting the parachute will inflate, trusting to land safely...trusting the process is a huge leap.
Trust is one of the key elements of solid relationships - within marriages, between parent and child, coworkers, friends. When it is broken it is difficult, though not impossible, to be restored.
In my years of counseling, I have seen people create miracles, for themselves and their loved ones, by restoring trust. Though it can be a long, arduous process - when all parties involved are willing to take responsibility for the part they have played, when they show genuine remorse and make behavioral changes - amazing things can happen! Things like a new found depth and richness in those relationships. And as you get to know one another as people - you will find an inner peace, acceptance, and value.
Below is a list of the characteristics I have seen in relationships where trust has been restored. Though certainly not exhaustive, these are guidelines of getting started and things to look for when considering trusting again:
- A genuine remorse about what has happened - followed by behavioral changes that match your words.
- Willingness to discuss and see things from one another's perspective, even if you don't agree.
- Ask questions to clarify and understand - not to interrogate or back the other into a corner.
- Convey through words, behavior, and priorities that the other person is valuable to you.
- Being patient as both parties sort through the myriad of feelings.
- Look at past hurts from family of origin and life experiences that this event is triggering.
- Empathy - showing you are attempting to understand the depth of one another's hurt.
- Perseverance and understanding when individuals may be at different places of healing.
- Consistently making changes, with sincerity, even if the other doesn't acknowledge your efforts.
- Asking for forgiveness.
- Granting forgiveness.
- Though the mistrust may be remembered, choosing not to bring it up as punishment or to "make them pay."
Below is the testimony of Vivian and Nick. A couple I have had the honor of working with. They have embraced restoring trust in their marriage with fervor and determination. As they will admit, it wasn't easy nor will they ever forget what happened. They have simply chosen to trust again. I have admired their courage to persevere when it would have been easy to give up on the marriage. Instead, they chose to learn about themselves and grow...we can all learn something from their example.
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Simply Intentional: Growing Family Trust
Trust. The word itself is inescapably sacred! It's like a rare precious stone. It is something valuable and esteemed. For what is such a small word, sure makes up for its size in it's meaning because of its depth and worth. Trust is the confidence in and reliance on good qualities such as truth and honor, and especially fairness. It's being someone who is expected by others to behave responsibly and honorably, who people place confidence or faith in. When you think about it, nothing can quite compete with having an established trust in a relationship. Trust is integrity; it's honor and protection.
Trust is by no means free - it is earned. It's the perfect result of when actions align with words. That's why it is so valuable and why it is so devastating when it's broken. The rebuilding of trust can often be more precious, because you are striving even harder and most times it's based on forgiveness, the work of another.
As a parent, it takes modeling. It takes time, practice, patience, work, and perseverance. It's sad and disappointing when a child breaks your trust, but it is also difficult being the child who fell from trust. I think it's vital to show my kids the process of restoration on both sides. Making it possible to re-establish trust by making it attainable. As my husband and I set out to teach our children about the meaning of trust, we realize it is sort of like a training field. It's through trial and error that our kids are learning what trust is, how to earn it, how to keep it and how to rebuild it when broken. Each failed attempt hurts and each success is a joyous occasion. During these times, we try to be mindful as we inevitably cling to the big picture. As our children are consciously learning to become trustworthy individuals, they are also subconsciously learning by our example on how they should behave when the time has come for them to be in an adult or parental role with their own kids and relationships.
One effective way in which we have taught our kids about trust is explaining to them that they are the teachers and that we are the responders. That we promise to respond to what they teach us. This way, it puts them in charge of either gaining or loosing privileges and our trust. For instance, if your kids want a later curfew, what have they taught you about adhering to the current one? How about cell phone or computer usage? What have your kids taught you about how they use them? Lying? What have they taught you about their word? This teacher/responder position can effectively remove a portion of anger out of the equation when disciplining or withholding certain privileges because they know it was based on their decisions and actions. We can also agree with them that we want the same thing that they want (more privileges and responsibilities) and rejoice with them when they earn more. It also allows you to be genuinely sympathetic to their disappointments. It puts you both on the same page but places the burden of trust earning to where it belongs, on them. As long as they know that you will act accordingly, I think this has been a great tool in building trust.
Does Your Child Trust You?
Let's talk about the flipside of the parent-child trust. Simply asked, does your child trust you? What a great question! As a mom, I am usually so preoccupied with the notion of me trusting my kids, that asking myself this question was, well, different and maybe a little uncomfortable. I reminisced back to my own childhood and asked myself the same question about my own parents. Both my parents consistently held to good morals and values and in that I found trust. Later, in my late teens or early twenties, my mom told me that no matter what, she had my back. In essence, she gave me permission to "get out" of any situation wherein I may have struggled or felt stuck, with no way out. There was no judgment, just a blanketed "I'll take care of your needs" until you find your way again. She provided that safe zone for me. On some level, I'm sure I knew this, but something wonderful happened when she verbally expressed this to me. Although I never had to use it, just knowing the offer was there, that if I had to start over, made all the difference. When the time is right, I will do the same for my own kids.
Being mindful on how I treat my kids in front of others is of great importance to me. Making it a point not to ever make them feel on the spot or ridiculed in any way or at the expense of a joke. Sometimes we can do this unwittingly, thereby hurting the bond of trust. Owning up to our mistakes and seeking their forgiveness when we, as parents, have been less than what they deserve has also been very meaningful in earning trust.
In preparation for writing this article, I decided to ask each one of my kids whether or not they trusted their dad and me and why. I must confess, it was a bit humbling to place myself in such a vulnerable position. Of course, my fingers were crossed behind my back, as I secretly worried, "what if they don't"! As it turns out, all four of them responded favorably. When asked, "why", here's what they had to say:
"In all my years, you and dad never gave me a reason not to trust you. You have always been genuine and you never lie". Christopher, 19
"One of the reasons why I trust you and dad is the way you treat each other and that you keep no secrets from one another". Danielle, 17
"You do what you say and say what you do. There is good communication. You respect one another and us. When someone breaks trust, we can gain it back again, even though it's hard. You never lie. It sounds easy but it is not. Telling the truth even when it is not pleasant. I love the honesty."
Anna, 13
"I just know that your intent is always for my well being, even when I disagree". Nick, 10
I would encourage any parent to approach their kids and ask them the same question. It provokes good conversation. There is no doubt that trust requires a living, breathing confidence in the thoughtful and intentional decisions we make every day. Trust is work, but well worth the effort.
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Things I learned from Changing Patterns...
"In January of 2006 I discovered my husband's six year long affair. The world we had created together for 20 years crumbled under our feet on that day. There was nothing about 'us' that felt real or solid anymore. Three and half years later and a long, hard road traveled we have a marriage that has been rebuilt on the bedrock of real trust and mutual respect. We are happier than we've ever been in the 25 years we've been together.
Rebuilding that trust and mutual respect wasn't easy and took not only understanding intellectually what happened, but also took understanding the feelings and actually feeling them as we began to sort out the puzzle pieces of our relationship. We learned how to manage and channel those feelings in a productive way versus resorting to the destructive patterns we learned over time, many of them influenced from our families of origin.
It was clear from the beginning that we each had to take responsibility for the disintegration of our marriage. We had to look harder at our own roles and behaviors that contributed to its breakdown versus blaming and finger pointing at each other. This wasn't easy to do with a betrayal of this magnitude. But in the end, we believe it's what saved us.
Other things that contributed to re-establishing trust and mutual respect in our marriage were:
- My husband being open to questions from me about the affair and what led up to the affair without being defensive.
- Me allowing my husband to express his feelings and not make his feelings about me or hold those expressions against him.
- Consistent and clear communication from my husband about his whereabouts and me giving him the space to prove himself trustworthy to do this.
- Me allowing my husband to be himself and not what I thought he should and ought to be.
- Re-establishing intimacy in dialogue and sexually by allowing ourselves to have fun, be playful and experiment.
This has been a difficult and at times excruciatingly painful journey, but one well worth it. We both feel whole as individuals in our relationship and solid as a couple now. We continue our work at Changing Patterns and will probably do so for some time to come, but the worst is behind us now and we can say we've changed the patterns that kept us from loving ourselves and each other fully.
Nick and Vivian |
News About Changing Patterns:
Bonnie will be speaking at the Aurora Family Counseling on August 27th for an all day workshop entitled "How Did My Family Get In My Therapy Office". In addition, she will be in Springfield on August 28th speaking on "When Life Doesn't Turn Out As Planned" for the Academy of Addictions Treatment Professionals. Both workshops are for Therapists and Nurses to earn continuing education hours for licensure requirements.
The Summer Relationship Series has three more programs remaining (listed below). The Programs are held at The Holmstad "Town Center" building in the Activity room at 700 W Fabyan Parkway, Batavia, IL 60510 from 6:30pm - 8pm. Call Bonnie to register at 630-406-0075, cost $40/person or $70/couple.
Monday, August 3 - "Oops, I didn't mean to say that!"
Have you ever blurted something out and then regretted it? We all make mistakes. This program will teach you both how to make relational repairs and say what you want to say so you can be heard.
Monday, August 10 - "I said I was sorry, what more do you want?!"... Mending broken trust
Do you struggle with moving past broken trusts? Do you shy away from intimacy for fear of getting hurt again? In this program learn what it takes for both parties to re-establish trust and restore relationships.
Monday, August 17 - Changing the pattern: how to create lasting change
Stop the relationship insanity! Solidify new behaviors and avoid falling back into old patterns. In this program you will identify personal barriers to making change permanent and create a new plan of action for successful relationships.
Celtic Connections, an organization for personal development for women is sponsoring a Mindfulness Series that Bonnie will be teaching starting Wednesday Evenings, 9/30, 10/7, 10/14, 10/21, 2009. This program will be held at The Holmstad Multipurpose room in the "Town Center" building at 700 W Fabyan Parkway, Batavia, IL 60510. Each program will be from 6pm-8pm. Register through www.celticconnect.com under the events tab.
Mindfulness is about living in the present with a more conscious awareness. We commonly live on auto-pilot, in distraction, and too easily jump to negative (often wrong) conclusions. This 4 week series provides a powerful blend of practices that focus on living in the here and now with decreased stress and improved mind, body, spirit and soul health. Each week will offer lecture and experiential practice. Portions of meditation and yoga are also expected.
Please join us if you would like to enjoy the moments of your life more fully.
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Looking for a speaker? Bonnie speaks to groups who want to enhance relationships and live with purpose and meaning. Her presentations offer practical tools to create harmonious family relationships and cover topics such as conflict resolution, the art of listening and living without regrets. If you are looking for someone to speak at an event, a presentation can be tailor-made for you. Bonnie can be reached by phone at 630-406-0075 or by email at bonnie@changingpatterns.net. | |
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| Quote to Ponder |
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly." |
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Richard Bach |
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