Every so often there comes along a book with a title that speaks volumes even before you open it up and turn a page. “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die,” just happens to be one of those titles. To me, these words are profoundly wise. Let’s think about it for a moment. Have you ever felt the pain of hurt feelings where the emotional turmoil was so intense that it was able to penetrate right through all logic and reason and settle deep within your inner core? Toss in a mixture of unidentified dynamics and presto, it feels like a big ole’ bag of tangled emotions! So big, in fact, that the discomfort of such an experience can sometimes lead us to feel justified in either cutting off a relationship or having one that barely works. Furthermore, it can drive us to suppress, ignore, or even deny our feelings. But what really happens to those buried feelings? Are they really dead?

Surely I’m not implying that we should blurt out every feeling that comes our way nor put up with bad behavior indefinitely, but I do believe that we have the responsibility to be our own gatekeeper over what we allow to come in and grow in our own backyard. It is a necessary protection for us to know what healthy boundaries look like. How else are we to recognize when someone is trespassing on our personal property, or perhaps, when we might be the trespasser ourselves! It is a trustworthy statement that, “Fences make good neighbors!”

As a mom of four, it is under my watchful eye that I seek to provide and promote a safe environment for my kids to grow up in. In keeping with this goal, from time to time, I will ask my kids if there is anything at all in which they felt hurt by something that I may have said or done. It’s amazing what a little tiny question like this will do. Often times it doesn’t matter what the details are, what matters to me is reconciling and putting to death bad feelings before they can take root. Sure, there have been some one step ahead and two steps behind kind of days, but with persistence, I’m hopeful that someday my kids can claim a healthy emotional history for themselves as well as with one another.

There are other times when I would like a more direct path to the heart of my kids, so I will ask them this question: “Is it well with your soul?” It could be at the bedtime hour, or on the phone with one of my kids who is away at college, or simply passing by. My kids know that this question encompasses everything and anything on a very deep and caring level and is intended to go right to their innermost thoughts and feelings. It is the real, cut-to-the-chase, bottom line on how they are doing!

Hand-Me-Down Tools For L.I.F.E.

I try to live by an acronym I have for the word, LIFE. It is to Live Intentionally For Eternity. I just love the view from this perspective! This helps to remind me that life is simply an internship thereby making it easier for me to live with much more grace and intentionality as I strive to leave a legacy of lasting and worthy tools for my children.

When I think of “hand-me-downs,” I think of either passing along or receiving something that’s tangible, something in which you can see and touch. But as parents, aren’t we usually in the business of operating in the realm of the intangible world? We need to hand down such things as, traits, attitudes, and virtues! This reminds me of a wonderful saying, “Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.”

Here are a few of those intangible tools that I feel qualify under the privilege of being a hand-me-down:

• Boundaries - Teaching kids early about the concept of boundaries is a great place to start. By simply pointing out your own fence or that of your neighbor’s fence and then discussing its purposes will lead to a pretty interesting conversation. Here a little and there a little, is how I set out to teach my kids about boundaries. Life is never short of opportunities to learn and grow from as well as for me to set a good example. I am hopeful that this will confidently lead them into being protective and proactive guardians over themselves.

• Attachments - Coach your children to not attach meaning to meaningless events. What I mean by that, is suppose a child frequently found themselves being scolded with comments like, “how many times have I told you…” or “what’s wrong with you that you can never seem to get it right...” Chances are, that child will give those words the meaning that they are not smart enough or that something is just innately wrong with them, little by little, chipping away at their self-esteem Wouldn’t it be wonderful if someone were there to tell that child not to give those words that meaning, that there is simply another interpretation to consider?

Personally speaking, when one of my school-aged children would worriedly ask me on the way to school, “what if so-and-so (peer) at school says … that I am a terrible basketball player or that I dress weird or that no one really likes me?” As much as I would like to wrap my protective mama bear paws around them and assure them that no one would ever say something like that, I mean, c’mon, this is my kid here! I must go to the place where they instinctively know they’ll be. So, I respond with, “yes, chances are that someone will say something like that to you, so let’s talk about what you are going to do with those words when they come.” It is here, that we can talk about them NOT giving or attaching false meaning (by believing) to meaningless words! By coaching them through the exact spot or crossroad where they will need to decide which way to go in thought is really helping them to abstain from being offended which will really flex their inner muscles and will go a long way into securing security.

Although I can get bogged down just as much as the next guy (mom), keeping the acronym of L.I.F.E. front and center, helps me to be the kind of mom my kids deserve. It also helps to straighten my crooked path whenever I fall into the muddy waters of my own ego of small-mindedness.